Give Me Convenience or Give Me Death

(Is the name of an old punk compilation record)

… But also exemplifies something I have been thinking about a lot, both when working with clients and in my own life.

The idea is that the “frictionless” or hyper-convenient parts of culture can lead us to feel miserable.

In contemporary life we’re confronted by so many difficult things – inequitable work lives, insecure housing, economic exclusion, rolling natural disasters, an unending news cycle of violence and corruption – not to mention the gamification of basic human needs like companionship and intimacy. In a landscape of seemingly out of control, fatigue-inducing horrors, who can be blamed for just wanting to switch off at the end of the day and choose a low-effort option!?

Because we’re living in a perpetual state of overwhelm we’re vulnerable to the “bread and circuses” phenomenon of seeking solace from the gloom by sliding into frictionless entertainments like streaming, substance use, or gaming that end up being unsatisfying as well as eroding essential parts of our ability to feel good about ourselves. Leaning too hard into the easy option can impact our sense of identity, our social and civic skills, our connectedness, and even our capacity to concentrate. Even conveniences like using the car or ordering-in more than we used to, or being able to distract ourselves with our own personal screens when we face boredom can contribute to this gentle decline in quality of life.

I don’t mean to imply (not at ALL) that we as individuals are responsible for the depressing and relentlessly cruel cultural, political, environmental (etc) moment, or even for the quality of our overall mental health. As always, my sense is that structural factors like equitable access to health and mental-health care are foundational to improving everyone’s quality of life. Similarly, if you’re living with a mental health challenge or disability the existence of meal prep services or other modern accommodations can be a godsend.

BUT I do want to point out the old truth: “if you want things to change, you have to change things” – even if those changes need to happen within our resources, and sometimes in ways that we would not choose if we had more to choose from.

So yes, I acknowledge that we can only control a really limited number of things. For example, I can’t control whether my ground-floor neighbour behaves like a jerk, but I can control whether I use some emotion regulation strategies after I speak with him. If I use deliberate strategies to simmer myself down after a heated exchange, someone else’s bad behaviour doesn’t get to ruin my day. When we lean into the things we CAN control (even when they aren’t the things we would like to control – like making him sell his flat and move away), we often end up with a better quality of life.

This is where we come back to “give me convenience or give me death”.

Sometimes what’s getting in the way of our lives getting better is plain old inconvenience. Discomfort. Awkwardness. The understanding that improving things is uncomfortable – by its very nature! – and leaning into that is a huge support to living better.

Here are some examples of inconvenient things that might drastically change someone’s quality of life.

Updating a resume, or spending an hour setting up a job alert, or
Spending a day pushing through inertia and inconvenience to apply for a job you’d like – even though there’s no guarantee you’ll get it.
Trying a new class even though you feel awkward.
Practicing skills learned in therapy in your downtime.
Retraining in a new career (note: TAFE and other vocational providers sometimes have options for free retraining if the profesison is in demand!).
Deliberately forcing yourself to live with the discomfort of doing an hour’s work on a project or hobby you’ve let go because you were too busy or overwhelmed. And then doing that again.
Slowly and steadily trying a bunch of new awkward events, activities and groups to find a NEW thing you love.
Going out sober.
Staying home sober.
Attending an Al Anon or SMART recovery group.
Inviting that person who you connected with for a coffee, even though doing that makes you feel vulnerable.
Changing your evening routine on purpose – not opening the streaming site with dinner and instead doing one of the things you imagine yourself doing in your daydreamed better life. Perhaps that’s just going for a walk or swim or to the gym, calling a friend, or just sitting on the porch and watching the evening go by for an hour.
Finding a therapist and committing to do the work between appointments.
Sitting down and brainstorming what’s getting in the way of doing that thing you want to do, writing each challenge or roadblock down, and then thinking through how to address the roadblocks one at a time. Do a swap with a friend and help one another work through this brainstorm for extra credit.
Making that appointment about that health ‘thing’ you worry about at 3am.
Trying something you’ve always wanted to try but found the boundaries around starting were a bit steep. Maybe steep boundaries are exactly what will make it so satisfying to get better at if you give it another go?
Talking to someone about something important that you’ve been putting off.
Reaching out to a friend you regret losing contact with.

In fact I want to propose that identifying the things that you’ve been putting off and doing them deliberately just might be the path to a vastly improved quality of life.

I think about this as seeking out the things in life that feel like they come with a bit of friction. A force resisting motion.

Friction in this sense isn’t about persevering blindly with something that could get you hurt, or that someone else has said “no” to. It is definitely not being the icky Disney Prince who ignores all the clear signals that his love interest isn’t interested in the name of “romance”.

It’s about looking at the dreams, longings, worries or hopes that keep coming up but for some reason we’re having difficulty getting around to. And getting around to them. Identifying friction, inertia, and inconvenience can even act as a kind of clue about what might be missing from your life!I bet as you’ve been reading this something (or many things) have come to mind.

Here’s a starter exercise: